I. One Week Before Surgery

May 13th, 2015 

Hi -
My name is Rachel St. Marseille.
I am a singer and I have vocal polyps.

After more than five years of struggling with this vocal injury, I have decided to have surgery to remove them next week on May 19th. 

In 2009, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer and had to undergo major surgery and iodine radiation. Today, I can proudly say that I am five and a half years cancer free; my voice, on the other hand, has been a rocky road. 

The disease ended up weakening my vocal folds, causing a space, paralysis on one side, and polyps (pseudocysts). I have gone through years of voice therapy and rehabilitation to try to get rid of my polyps for good. Because my vocal folds do not close completely when I sing, I suffer from fatigue, pain, holes in my vocal register, and my polyps flare up once or twice a year.

After a busy holiday season, I made an appointment with my Ear, Nose, and Throat Doctor (ENT) in January 2015 because my voice was feeling "off" again.  Sure enough, the polyps had flared up. I couldn't help but sob.  My ENT informed me that after years of trying, this was the best my voice was going to get with vocal therapy. The only other option was to have surgery to have the polyps removed, and possibly injecting fat into one of my vocal folds, in order to create a better closure.

I felt like a failure. I was ashamed. Embarrassed. Defeated.

It took me months to decide whether or not surgery was the right thing.  I searched the internet to try and find articles, blogs - ANYTHING from singers who had surgery, experienced the healing process, and how their voice was doing now.

I found nothing.

I realized that singers do not like to talk about vocal injuries. So many thoughts crossed my mind:

- Will people take me seriously if they knew I was hurt?
- Why couldn't I fix this myself?
- Will my vocal students still trust me ?

After talking with my family, friends, and constant prayer, I knew that surgery is the answer.

This blog is to remind myself, other singers, musicians, artists, anyone with a dream:

There is always hope.

This blog is to help inform others who might be struggling with a vocal injury and not know where to turn. You are not alone. This isn't the end of your musical journey. You are strong. You are beautiful. You have a song that no one else can sing but YOU. Do not give up.

I rarely feel joy through the pain and fatigue. I've wanted to blame others for my voice being the way it was. I've wanted to scream every time I could hear myself out of tune, but couldn't control it. I now know that there is nothing to fear. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This was the hand that I was dealt, and if my passion to sing is worth fighting for, then I need to fight with every bone in my being.

I've spent years in a musical prison, constantly worried about my voice. This injury took away my freedom to sing. I am ready to break myself out. 

I will spend the next few weeks documenting my recovery in this blog and include videos and pictures of my journey. 

SURGERY IS NOT THE END OF MY DREAM.
It's the beginning of a new chapter.

Surgery, here I come.

6 days and counting.